August 2007 Archives

The more you follow me the more I get lost
You think that you know me you're pissing me off
Yeah you said that you love me why don't you fuck off
Anyone would think that you own me you're ripping me off

~Babyshambles

There is always the danger that when you bring a fantasy to life, it isn't going to be all that you hoped. Thankfully, my first MMF threesome was more or less everything I hoped it would be, and something I can and will and do enjoy still. But I don't fantasise about it anymore; simply because it isn't a fantasy anymore.
Do I have any regrets though? Of course I don't - getting fucked by two men is fucking intense. I just don't use it as wank fodder anymore. I never think about things I have done when I'm playing with myself... I've thought about the people I have done, and the places in which I did them, but never the actual things I did.
I always have to change the script for something more edgy, more dirty, more unlikely. Whether this is normal or not I don't know, but this is how my perverse mind works.
And my perverse mind thinks these fantasies really should come true at some point in the future... it just makes me wonder what depths I'll have to go to afterwards to create new fantasies!

1. I want to be a bukkake girl. The idea of men surrounding me and offloading on to my naked body just makes me quiver with unbridled lust. And I want to know if being covered in the cum of many strangers is as humiliating as I imagine it to be.
2. Along similar lines, I would love to be a gang-bang girl too. In my fantasies this is in a very public place, like a bar, for example, but I doubt I am going to be fucked by five guys down my local pub without being arrested, or worse, but perhaps I could get away with it in a sex club? It would still be hot though, even in private, to be the centre of so much horny attention. I don't know what I anticipate the most about this; having all my holes filled at once, or all those hands...
3. This is my edgiest fantasy at the moment - purely because I'm not sure my head is in the right place to be able to cope with it in reality, but in fantasy, being dominated by the boyfriend and another woman is my favourite wank fodder. Strangely (or not?) I actually feel many emotions when I imagine him fucking another woman while I'm knelt on the floor beside them, other than just horny. I feel my stomach churn with humiliation and jealousy, I feel angry and useless, and it's almost a punishment just thinking about it, but it just turns me on so much. I have a particular image in my head where this woman makes me fuck the boots on her feet and that in itself does it for me.

That's just a snippet of my perverse mind - there are plenty of other fantasies, but these are my favourites and top of the to-do list!

We came into swinging after many nights whispering filth into each other's ear about other men and women, about double-penetration, and about the ultimate humiliation (in my mind): me watching him fuck another woman (as opposed to joining in!). And the more we talked about it, the more I wanted it. All of it.
I must confess, my idea of swinging before this was not what the reality turned out to be. Thanks to a porn film I watched way_back_when, my idea of swinging was hairy old hippies throwing their car keys into a fruit bowl to decide who would swap wives with who. Unsurprisingly, this never appealed to me.
But having decided we wanted some big bedroom adventures, I set upon Google, which informed me that there loads of swinging sites, full of swingers who were having threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, and all the rest of it. There were bisexual women, and bisexual men, and hardly any hippies at all. And certainly no fruit bowls (that I've seen anyway).
Unsurprisingly, this did appeal to me. And the more I read, the more I talked to people, the more I realised this was exactly where I should be. Truth be told, I was already swinging long before I realised what it was. Ok, so I hadn't had the double-penetration (yet), but I have always been very "open-minded" about my sex-life. I've had girlfriends who had boyfriends, I've had boyfriends who were someone else's husband, and if only I'd known then what I was starting to know now, maybe I wouldn't have sometimes felt like such an outsider.
Still waiting for the fantasies to come true though...

It's all swings and roundabouts, isn't it. When I'm not swinging, I'm going round and round in circles, trying to figure things out, trying to find my way, trying not to make too many fatal errors, and generally just being trying.
I'm sure that swinging is for me. I like the freedom it affords me and the possibilities that splay out before me just as my legs often do. I like the excitement, and of course the sex. Whether I'm ready for it (or indeed if it's ready for me) remains to be seen though, as only a few months into this little adventure, and things already seem to be going horribly pear-shaped.
Maybe the boyfriend isn't for me. Maybe swinging isn't for the boyfriend. Maybe I am too easy with my emotions. Maybe my love isn't deep enough. Maybe it's too deep. Maybe we're doing it wrong. There are, it has to be said, a million different maybes, and only one definite... my head's a mess.
I so want this swinging to work for me, regardless of whether I'm partnered up or not. I want to live out my fantasies. I want the thrill of meeting, flirting and fucking someone new. I want adventure, and most of all I don't want to feel trapped, as I am wont to do in any long-term (monogamous?) relationship. And to a point, so far it's been exactly what I was hoping for. I've had some great times these last few months, and made memories for life. But there's all this other stuff to work through as well - stuff that isn't so pleasant or exciting; stuff like mistrust, or jealousy, or the horrid realisation that I cannot have everyone I want, even if I am a "swinger".