swings and roundabouts

It's all swings and roundabouts, isn't it. When I'm not swinging, I'm going round and round in circles, trying to figure things out, trying to find my way, trying not to make too many fatal errors, and generally just being trying.
I'm sure that swinging is for me. I like the freedom it affords me and the possibilities that splay out before me just as my legs often do. I like the excitement, and of course the sex. Whether I'm ready for it (or indeed if it's ready for me) remains to be seen though, as only a few months into this little adventure, and things already seem to be going horribly pear-shaped.
Maybe the boyfriend isn't for me. Maybe swinging isn't for the boyfriend. Maybe I am too easy with my emotions. Maybe my love isn't deep enough. Maybe it's too deep. Maybe we're doing it wrong. There are, it has to be said, a million different maybes, and only one definite... my head's a mess.
I so want this swinging to work for me, regardless of whether I'm partnered up or not. I want to live out my fantasies. I want the thrill of meeting, flirting and fucking someone new. I want adventure, and most of all I don't want to feel trapped, as I am wont to do in any long-term (monogamous?) relationship. And to a point, so far it's been exactly what I was hoping for. I've had some great times these last few months, and made memories for life. But there's all this other stuff to work through as well - stuff that isn't so pleasant or exciting; stuff like mistrust, or jealousy, or the horrid realisation that I cannot have everyone I want, even if I am a "swinger".