multi-player

I wrote this in June... 2004. Some things never change...

Polyamory. Now there's a word.

In it's simplest form, it means 'more than one love'.

I toyed with the idea quite often last year, for various and occasionally obvious reasons. To some degree, I guess I even practised it. And not for the first time either.The first time was when I was sixteen, when my boyfriend was engaged to another girl. The second time was when my girlfriend had a boyfriend, as did I.
Both times they were "real" relationships - different only in that they consisted of more than two people. Trust, honesty, communication, and all the other things that we expect in our vanilla relationships still existed. We didn't know it as polyamory though, even though looking back that is quite obviously what it was - back then it was more commonly referred to as "a weird set-up". A weird set-up that, as far as I could tell, we all enjoyed.

I enjoyed the variety. I also enjoyed the relaxation of commitment - it still existed, but in a much more liberal 'it's ok to love more than one person at a time' manner, instead of the very harsh monogamous take on commitment that "normal" people seem to constantly struggle to achieve and maintain. That kind of commitment that I don't mind admitting scares the shit out of me. In these poly relationships, the pressure I feel to be everything to one person - and to find one person who can be everything to me, was replaced with a form of intimacy and security that I've looked for in monogamy, and yet have never really found.

And doesn't the constant struggle with monogamy imply that maybe it isn't so normal afterall? Ok, lots of people do manage to stay monogamous .... but plenty more don't.
In both my long term (and "monogamous") relationships, the fella went off and found someone new to screw behind my back. And while I haven't done that (except for once, when it lead to the second time that I mentioned earlier), boredom and panic seems to set in after five years - boredom and panic that isn't alleviated by more adventurous sex, counselling, home improvements, or children. Maybe I've just been with the wrong people - or maybe I need something more?

Maybe I am polyamorous. Or maybe I'm completely normal, and we all feel the suffocation I feel when I think of spending my whole life (or what's left of it, anyway)loving just one person. Maybe I'm just disappointed in monogamy.

Or maybe I'm just not "normal".