support

It's been a strange (strained?) old week. Trying to fix things is never easy, especially when it's all so loaded with emotion. It takes time, apparently, and I do feel a bit like I'm sitting here waiting. For what though, I'm not quite sure. At the moment, a shag would do. I can't even remember the last time we fucked (not that that's saying much with my memory, but I do know that in the week the boyfriend's had off work, we haven't mixed bodily fluids once). Not his fault - not really mine either. There is just so much distance... a distance that I'm sure would be shortened with a few good sessions, but I feel that we need to connect in other ways first. Deal with the problems.
Maybe sex is part of the problem... it's just so hard to know. What to do, what to say, where to start... I don't even know how to feel at the moment. I'm frustrated (that's probably the sex thing), and anxious about where we can go from here, if anywhere. It doesn't help that he isn't great at communicating things to me. Yet again I'm wishing he had a blog. Yet again I'm wishing he was more like Tom, or Odysseus, or Richard, or any of the other men who write so honestly and openly about their feelings and desires. To be honest, sometimes I wish he would just read them. I've found alot of comfort in reading about others' experiences, realising that I'm not alone in feeling this way or wanting that thing. Maybe that's what he needs... he talks to his vanilla friends about things, but they don't understand, and that probably confuses him even more. Of course, this is all speculation, but some kind of support is vital when indulging in alternative (sexual) lifestyles. It really is. And he doesn't have that at the moment. Just like I didn't when I first started playing around with D/s.
It was overwhelming. I had desires that I knew my friends would disapprove of. Why would I want to be smacked, tied up, humiliated? What is sexy about any of that? Perhaps I need a therapist? Perhaps I don't have any respect for myself? I heard all this and more, from people who were my friends, and having nobody to reassure me that I wasn't the only girl in the world who got off on this stuff was fucking difficult. I struggled for a long time, tried to fight it, tried to be more "normal". Then I found all these BDSM resources on the web, and what a fucking relief that was.
The boyfriend knows these resources are out there. He knows there are blogs and forums and tonnes of information at his fingertips. This is what frustrates me even more, and reinforces my biggest fear: that he isn't really into it as he would have me believe he is. Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic, but I just can't help myself. From day one I wondered if we were sexually compatible, and nearly four years later, I'm still wondering the same bloody thing.

Oh fuck it. I don't know. I'm going shopping.