that relationship word

Ok, so the situation at the moment is not a perfect one. I let my feelings take over, and I shouldn't have. I admit that. I asked for too much, too soon, and I admit that as well. But. I also admit that I'm not willing to give up on swinging. Call me an emotional masochist (again) if you like, but the allure of it is too great, and not just because I'm a horny little bitch who wants to have sex all the time. Yes, I can have all of my fantasies come true (probably... maybe... hmm, within reason), and yes it's exciting and all the rest of it, but there's more to it than that. Honestly.

I do like relationships. I like the security they give me, and I like having that closeness with someone... most of the time. And I can (just about) put up with the lack of personal space. But what I really don't like is the lack of freedom, because it makes me feel trapped, and also the inevitable frustration that sets in soon after the boredom does. It's always the same old thing with me, every single time. And when the boyfriend tells me (as plenty of others have) that there isn't any such thing as a perfect relationship, it just makes me more determined to swing. It's not commitment I'm scared of, it's monogamy - all that temptation you have to resist, all those sacrifices you have to make, all those fantasies that will never come true, all the fucking monotony of it all. Why do I want to put up with all that for a relationship that's never going to be perfect, and is going to end just as soon as resentment starts to kick in (and believe me, it will)?
I'm not trying to say I want to have some kind of "permission" to have affairs with other people, and still come home to the boyfriend. And I'm not saying I want to shag anyone I like whenever I like, either. I just want us both to have more freedom than a traditional relationship gives us, because traditional relationships don't work for me - that much is obvious. Nevermind that traditional relationships seem to involve a helluva lot of adultery these days; everyone seems to be at it, don't they? But secrets and lies are just bad bad bad, and not my bag at all. I want us to be honest, and open-minded, and, well... swinging.
It isn't easy, no. Not for either of us. And especially since I decided to make it as difficult as it could possibly get, heh. But it still isn't any harder than monogamy, and with all those extra benefits to be had, it's worth trying to work it all out. And hopefully, we can... I want a gang-bang, dammit! ;)