the other side

I have so many desires, so many questions, that I have to stay where I am, in this fucking strange old world I've immersed myself in. There's no going back, not now. I couldn't. I would always be thinking about these desires, and this freedom, and resentment would set in, just like it always has. I have too much to feel, to do, to see. I have threesomes to have, and sex in front of strangers and sex with strangers, and what about that gang bang and a sex club or two?
I want to grab it by the raging horns and drown myself in it all. I'm greedy for it, impatient even. Like I've wasted so much time and effort trying to achieve.... what? This fucked up dream of monogamous bliss that is not and never was my dream anyway? it's fucked up, and I've been screwed by it. And now there is a chance for me I just want to get down to it. Bring it on.
No, I haven't yet had to experience the side of swinging that the boyfriend has experienced. I've had what I suppose is laughingly called the easy ride so far. I've had the most sex, and none of the jealousy (well, hardly any). But this is the thing. I fucking want it. I really, really do.
I want to prove to myself that I can do it, that I'm not just being a selfish bitch. I have to feel at least some of what they've felt in order to understand and learn and I don't know. Maybe I can't really have any "freedom" until I've sat on both sides of the fence. Until I've given what I've taken. Perhaps that masochistic little slut inside me wants to be tortured. All I really know for sure is that I have these fantasies, born out of anger and rebellion and shame, and I don't know - fear? - and although they subsided briefly while on one of my earlier wobbles, they are back now. Pushing themselves to the forefront of my mind, making me think about them, making me think up ways to make them happen. Wondering about the details. Will I watch? Will I join in? Would I want to join in? Do I just want to be ignored, really?
Could I handle it and get off on it? Does it matter if I get off on it or not? Truth is, I really don't know (there's a theme emerging here...) - be they better or worse, the reality is never the same as the fantasy. But I have to know. I do. it's gone too far in my head. Just like everything else does.