kinks and closets
For some people, kink is just something that goes on in the bedroom - a little bit of spice in an otherwise ordinary relationship.Maybe some pink fluffy cuffs and a spanker from Ann Summers, and a bit of sexy lingerie, but not much else. And if that floats your proverbial boat, then fantastic. But for some other people, kink isn't something that only goes on in the bedroom. For some people, it's a central part of their identity. This - in case you hadn't guessed - is the category I fall into.
It hasn't always been like that, though. It might've 'started' when I was sixteen, but it was only when I was about 27 that I decided I had to 'come out' - I can't explain it any better than to say it meant as much to me as admitting I'm bisexual, or even female, it was that important.
But when you're a half queer pervert, the world you live in is a scary place full of people that don't understand, don't approve, don't want and can't accept. And it's fucking hard to live in a world like that. Sometimes I've wished I was normal, wished this beast inside could be exorcised, wished that I'd never met Jules, wished I didn't adore being a slut... the list goes on. But when none of those wishes came true, I wished I could find someone who would make me feel like I wasn't so alone anymore.
I'm still struggling with that one. Actually, we're both still struggling with that one.
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Obsessions
I'm fairly relaxed about the pervert that I am. So long as I don't get caught doing anything that would jeopardise my clean extended CRB check! Well except for you insisting many years ago that I'm probably a switch but I do struggle with asserting myself sexually and I'm much happier in a submissive mode.
Sire, on the other hand, is always worrying that his perversions aren't normal. His latest obsession is cuckoldry, so it was an interesting co-incidence that you blogged about it recently. It gave me an opportunity to point out that it is OK to have these thoughts and he can't possibly be the only one out there.
Anyway I didn't mean to hijack your comments, but you know me I never do know when to shut up. A bit like Brig really.
You can hijack my comments whenever you like my dear.
Oh yeh, I'm quite relaxed about being a pervert - it's everyone else with the problem!! ;)I mean, not even the boyfriend understands me - can you believe that?! Haha.
(mind you, not sure I understand him either! But sshh)
i love being the way i am.... admitting to myself that how much i need all this kink in my life has been amazing and i don't think i could ever go backwards now. Some days it hits me and i think "am i really so weird" and then others it just fits so well with me that i dont give it a second thought. i do think we all have those times when we begin to feel "out on our own" when others don't understand kink. i think it's them that may just be missing out! :-)
I think the best thing you can do is find a community that supports not only your politics around sex, but the very real living life level of sex as well. Without the ability to see yourself reflected in others, it's too easy to start to believe all the things mainstream society is constantly throwing at you.
Dylan, I agree with what you say 100%! The best source of comfort is definitely to see my own reflection in someone else.
Without that, it all gets a bit too much!
Trinity - Hehe, we think they're missing out, they think we should be locked up (little knowing that we like that too, hahaha)