anticipation

It's alright (excellent, in fact) making a conscious decision to embrace my kinks; I feel really liberated by it, and nothing's even happened yet. Something has clicked in my head though, possibly that of one door shutting and another one opening, and it feels like there is no turning back now (thank fuck!).

But. (There's always a but.) That's left me looking at the relationship with the boyfriend and wondering where that figures in my new found liberation. I love him to bits, but if I'm not going to get my needs met, is it ever going to work? This has in turn has led to epic 'conversations' (and arguments, sadly) as we try and work out if it can work, if we want it to work, if he's ever going to get those bloody handcuffs out again, and if I can believe that he wants to get them out... the absolutely last thing I want is to feel like I'm topping from the bottom. That is defeating the whole point, and I can't have that.

So last night, same as every other night this week, we had a talk. For the first time this week, we had a talk that didn't leave me feeling totally deflated. We talked about where we got to last year when we first made any real attempt to get it moving, and we talked about what worked and what didn't, and then I said 'anticipation's good'.

A minute later, he replies 'Ah. Anticipation. There's a clue in there somewhere'. And I think to myself everything I've been saying for the last four years is a clue you daft bastard. So I smiled. And then we talked about anticipation, and build-up, and the concept of getting in someone's head, and yeh. It was productive.

Only problem now is that I'm anticipating the anticipation!!