hair

Since I started dying my hair bright red, I've been asked the 'why?' question several times, like there must be some sort of psychological explanation for it, or something. Perhaps I just like the colour red, especially on hair.

Or perhaps there is a psychological explanation for it, afterall. Yes, I like red hair, but to dye my hair red because I like that on others suggests some kind of narcissism that I ain't particularly happy with (even if it is true!). I think the real reason (she says, putting on her pop-psychology head) is that I see it as a reflection of 'me', and what's going on underneath my skin. My hair finally looks as wild as I feel.

And I do feel wild. it's no coincidence that the boyfriend describes me as 'a tiger covered in petrol and running through a forest fire'... that is what I'm like, internally and externally. If only he would realise the reason I'm wild is that I'm without containment, without structure, without rules. I would feel really quite free I suppose, if I wasn't feeling so fucking out of control. And the more out of control I feel, the more angry I get, and it's a vicious bastard circle that I just cannot break on my own. Weirdly, I have felt like this since I was about thirteen, perhaps even younger.

(Oh! Deep joy: something else I can blame on my mother!!)

I didn't have mad red hair then, though. I had 'Boy George plaits'. Eeek.