question time

Life is quiet at the moment. Probably because we've decided to stop drinking Stella and beating up wives ;) It's called progress in this house. Unfortunately though, that's about the only progress we've made so far. I suppose baby steps is better than standing still, but meh. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something that never arrives, and I can't even really articulate what that 'something' is, so if it turned up, would I even notice?

I did notice the boyfriend get down on one knee the other night, but I don't think that was the 'something'. It might've been, at some other time, but friday night wasn't that time.

"Please don't ask me anything" I say, because I don't want to have to say 'no'.

He asks me anyway, so I have to say no... a wise decision, or something I'll live to regret? At the moment I think it was wise; marriage isn't a solution, or something I take lightly. I promised myself that I'd only ever get married once, and I continued to promise myself that for about a decade after I stupidly married the biggest cunt ever. Then I decided not to be so hard on myself; it was the biggest mistake I ever made, but I was brainwashed and beaten and I needed to forgive myself, and allow myself another chance.

And there was a chance the other night. He even had a ring ( a cock ring). But the timing was all wrong, and the motives were tainted by this sense that getting married would fix things, and that isn't what I want. Well, I want to fix things - obviously, but not like that. I would prefer to fix things in a more carnal way. Unfortunately, I can't do that either at the moment, as I decided to cartwheel around the garden yesterday and injure myself. I can't even bloody walk, let alone fuck. Gymnastics never used to hurt this much, that's for sure.

Being immobilised like this isn't good though - it just gives me more time to think, and I'm dangerous when I do that. Must. Not. think. About. Sex. Or weddings.