July 2008 Archives

I've had to reach so deeply into myself these last few months, searching for 'the truth', that to be honest I'm surprised there's anything left of me. What do I want, where am I going, what the hell am I doing, and how did that get there are all questions I've been desperately asking myself, and most of the answers I found haven't surprised me.

But when I found myself mumbling 'I want to settle down', I was rather taken back. I'm not settled, certainly not in recent months, but forever I've been hurtling from one disaster to another, happy in my chaos. No plans, just go where life takes me. Unfortunately though, living by that motto always seems to take me straight into a brick wall, and brick walls are not my idea of a good time.

See, that's all I want, really. A good time. Or at least, I thought I did. But now I find I want something more, something I never wanted with anyone else before, and I don't know if that's because I've changed, or if the boyfriend has had an unprecedented effect on me. It probably doesn't matter 'why' though. All that matters is that I've always lurched between wanting to be loved, and wanting to be free, and I've suddenly realised that I can have both, with the right person. It's all a question of balance (she says, being about as balanced as a two-legged tripod).

And you know what? I think the boyfriend is the right person. Ok, so we're not the most compatible pairing in the world, and sometimes I think I would be better off (read: less frustrated) with someone who was as kinky dirty as I am. But then I look at him, and something tells me he should be in my life. For a long, long time.

Poor bugger.

Go and get him, don't go and get him. Have a good cry, stop fucking crying. Go and buy some new shoes, don't you think you've got enough shoes... I've had every bit of advice going these last few days. As you have probably guessed, I ain't all that good at taking advice though, so in the end all I could do was follow my heart.

It took me to Colchester. And jesusfuckingod, If we don't get it right this time, I swear I'm going to give up and buy six cats instead. I'm getting too old for all this fucking bollocks, I really am. But we will get it right. We will.

I know I don't write an awful lot about our relationship's ups and downs... perhaps I should. But at the end of the day, I love that bloody fella. Even if he is a fucking mentalist. And I do want things to work, even if I'm a fucking mentalist as well. And they do say that anything worth having is never easy, in which case our relationship must be sodding priceless.

Why do I keep thinking it's Friday?

I did start writing a post about roleplay last night, but in light of recent events, I don't want to write about roleplay anymore.

My boyfriend has left me.

I don't, of course, really want to write about that either - I'd like to pretend that everything's fine in the hope that he'll come back, but to be honest I can't see that happening. So I'm sitting here trying desperately not to give myself a migraine, because I know that constant crying will do just that, but I can't seem to stop. I'm so rubbish without him.

Rubbish, and single. Terrific.

Well, this is novel.... and no, I'm not chatting about the fact that I'm blogging (but wow, eh?!). Well I am a little bit, but mostly I'm getting excited because I am in bed and on the internet... simultaneously. He he he!

Yes, I have a laptop. I may never get out of bed again, although I really want a cup of tea so maybe I will. As you can see, I am still fantastic at making decisions ;)

Other than that, life is still as random and mental as ever. I spent a few weeks feeling fat... daren't look at myself naked in the mirror for fear of seeing a spare tyre or two, but I accidentally saw myself out of the corner of my eye yesterday, and low and behold I'm still exactly the same size as I was a month ago. Strangeness. So then we had sex in the shower, which was as annoying as it always is.

And what is it with that? Why am I so rubbish at having sex and a shower at the same time? Is vertical shagging supposed to be that flipping hard, or am I just a complete spazz? I like the soapy bit... that bit is both easy and slippery and they are my two most favourite adjectives ever, and the thorough washing of my cunt made me think I must be really dirty, which was cool too. The rest of it though? Mnah.

I like this bed far too much.

I'm liking this new Coldplay album too, and I've tried so hard not to. Right bummer when that happens.

I'm getting up now.