get the balance right

I've had to reach so deeply into myself these last few months, searching for 'the truth', that to be honest I'm surprised there's anything left of me. What do I want, where am I going, what the hell am I doing, and how did that get there are all questions I've been desperately asking myself, and most of the answers I found haven't surprised me.

But when I found myself mumbling 'I want to settle down', I was rather taken back. I'm not settled, certainly not in recent months, but forever I've been hurtling from one disaster to another, happy in my chaos. No plans, just go where life takes me. Unfortunately though, living by that motto always seems to take me straight into a brick wall, and brick walls are not my idea of a good time.

See, that's all I want, really. A good time. Or at least, I thought I did. But now I find I want something more, something I never wanted with anyone else before, and I don't know if that's because I've changed, or if the boyfriend has had an unprecedented effect on me. It probably doesn't matter 'why' though. All that matters is that I've always lurched between wanting to be loved, and wanting to be free, and I've suddenly realised that I can have both, with the right person. It's all a question of balance (she says, being about as balanced as a two-legged tripod).

And you know what? I think the boyfriend is the right person. Ok, so we're not the most compatible pairing in the world, and sometimes I think I would be better off (read: less frustrated) with someone who was as kinky dirty as I am. But then I look at him, and something tells me he should be in my life. For a long, long time.

Poor bugger.