tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2007-09-06:/blog//1 2008-07-23T10:07:19Z if you're easily offended, keep your fucking eyes shut. Movable Type Open Source 4.1 tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.231 2008-07-23T09:05:48Z 2008-07-23T10:07:19Z

I've had to reach so deeply into myself these last few months, searching for 'the truth', that to be honest I'm surprised there's anything left of me. What do I want, where am I going, what the hell am I...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ I've had to reach so deeply into myself these last few months, searching for 'the truth', that to be honest I'm surprised there's anything left of me. What do I want, where am I going, what the hell am I doing, and how did that get there are all questions I've been desperately asking myself, and most of the answers I found haven't surprised me. But when I found myself mumbling 'I want to settle down', I was rather taken back. I'm not settled, certainly not in recent months, but forever I've been hurtling from one disaster to another, happy in my chaos. No plans, just go where life takes me. Unfortunately though, living by that motto always seems to take me straight into a brick wall, and brick walls are not my idea of a good time. See, that's all I want, really. A good time. Or at least, I thought I did. But now I find I want something more, something I never wanted with anyone else before, and I don't know if that's because I've changed, or if the boyfriend has had an unprecedented effect on me. It probably doesn't matter 'why' though. All that matters is that I've always lurched between wanting to be loved, and wanting to be free, and I've suddenly realised that I can have both, with the right person. It's all a question of balance (she says, being about as balanced as a two-legged tripod). And you know what? I think the boyfriend is the right person. Ok, so we're not the most compatible pairing in the world, and sometimes I think I would be better off (read: less frustrated) with someone who was as kinky dirty as I am. But then I look at him, and something tells me he should be in my life. For a long, long time. Poor bugger. tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.230 2008-07-23T00:10:44Z 2008-07-23T08:47:36Z

Go and get him, don't go and get him. Have a good cry, stop fucking crying. Go and buy some new shoes, don't you think you've got enough shoes... I've had every bit of advice going these last few days....

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ Go and get him, don't go and get him. Have a good cry, stop fucking crying. Go and buy some new shoes, don't you think you've got enough shoes... I've had every bit of advice going these last few days. As you have probably guessed, I ain't all that good at taking advice though, so in the end all I could do was follow my heart. It took me to Colchester. And jesusfuckingod, If we don't get it right this time, I swear I'm going to give up and buy six cats instead. I'm getting too old for all this fucking bollocks, I really am. But we will get it right. We will. I know I don't write an awful lot about our relationship's ups and downs... perhaps I should. But at the end of the day, I love that bloody fella. Even if he is a fucking mentalist. And I do want things to work, even if I'm a fucking mentalist as well. And they do say that anything worth having is never easy, in which case our relationship must be sodding priceless. Why do I keep thinking it's Friday? tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.229 2008-07-17T09:34:41Z 2008-07-17T10:22:10Z

I did start writing a post about roleplay last night, but in light of recent events, I don't want to write about roleplay anymore. My boyfriend has left me. I don't, of course, really want to write about that either...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ I did start writing a post about roleplay last night, but in light of recent events, I don't want to write about roleplay anymore. My boyfriend has left me. I don't, of course, really want to write about that either - I'd like to pretend that everything's fine in the hope that he'll come back, but to be honest I can't see that happening. So I'm sitting here trying desperately not to give myself a migraine, because I know that constant crying will do just that, but I can't seem to stop. I'm so rubbish without him. Rubbish, and single. Terrific. tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.227 2008-07-14T08:27:07Z 2008-07-14T08:21:00Z

Well, this is novel.... and no, I'm not chatting about the fact that I'm blogging (but wow, eh?!). Well I am a little bit, but mostly I'm getting excited because I am in bed and on the internet... simultaneously. He...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ Well, this is novel.... and no, I'm not chatting about the fact that I'm blogging (but wow, eh?!). Well I am a little bit, but mostly I'm getting excited because I am in bed and on the internet... simultaneously. He he he! Yes, I have a laptop. I may never get out of bed again, although I really want a cup of tea so maybe I will. As you can see, I am still fantastic at making decisions ;) Other than that, life is still as random and mental as ever. I spent a few weeks feeling fat... daren't look at myself naked in the mirror for fear of seeing a spare tyre or two, but I accidentally saw myself out of the corner of my eye yesterday, and low and behold I'm still exactly the same size as I was a month ago. Strangeness. So then we had sex in the shower, which was as annoying as it always is. And what is it with that? Why am I so rubbish at having sex and a shower at the same time? Is vertical shagging supposed to be that flipping hard, or am I just a complete spazz? I like the soapy bit... that bit is both easy and slippery and they are my two most favourite adjectives ever, and the thorough washing of my cunt made me think I must be really dirty, which was cool too. The rest of it though? Mnah. I like this bed far too much. I'm liking this new Coldplay album too, and I've tried so hard not to. Right bummer when that happens. I'm getting up now. tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.225 2008-06-16T11:34:07Z 2008-06-16T12:51:19Z

This is going to be a whinge probably, rather than a post - sorry about that. For too long I have tried to hide alot of what I feel and think from this blog, not sure why. But I don't...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ do have one!) knows that submission is different for every little slut out there. I know that just because some like needles and cutting, I don't have to as well... I know that I'm not more or less of a "true submissive" just because I squick at blood, or the word 'owned'. I am what I am, and I like what I like, and that should - in theory - be that. But then I read things like 'a submissive's duty is to please their Dom/me, with no regard for their own pleasure', and I wonder if I'm in the wrong place entirely. I'm not, of course. But I do wonder, nonetheless. I need to be taken in hand. And soon, before I lose the plot altogether.]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.224 2008-06-09T07:52:51Z 2008-06-09T11:00:27Z

Life is quiet at the moment. Probably because we've decided to stop drinking Stella and beating up wives ;) It's called progress in this house. Unfortunately though, that's about the only progress we've made so far. I suppose baby steps...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ Life is quiet at the moment. Probably because we've decided to stop drinking Stella and beating up wives ;) It's called progress in this house. Unfortunately though, that's about the only progress we've made so far. I suppose baby steps is better than standing still, but meh. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something that never arrives, and I can't even really articulate what that 'something' is, so if it turned up, would I even notice? I did notice the boyfriend get down on one knee the other night, but I don't think that was the 'something'. It might've been, at some other time, but friday night wasn't that time. "Please don't ask me anything" I say, because I don't want to have to say 'no'. He asks me anyway, so I have to say no... a wise decision, or something I'll live to regret? At the moment I think it was wise; marriage isn't a solution, or something I take lightly. I promised myself that I'd only ever get married once, and I continued to promise myself that for about a decade after I stupidly married the biggest cunt ever. Then I decided not to be so hard on myself; it was the biggest mistake I ever made, but I was brainwashed and beaten and I needed to forgive myself, and allow myself another chance. And there was a chance the other night. He even had a ring ( a cock ring). But the timing was all wrong, and the motives were tainted by this sense that getting married would fix things, and that isn't what I want. Well, I want to fix things - obviously, but not like that. I would prefer to fix things in a more carnal way. Unfortunately, I can't do that either at the moment, as I decided to cartwheel around the garden yesterday and injure myself. I can't even bloody walk, let alone fuck. Gymnastics never used to hurt this much, that's for sure. Being immobilised like this isn't good though - it just gives me more time to think, and I'm dangerous when I do that. Must. Not. think. About. Sex. Or weddings. tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.219 2008-06-02T09:10:29Z 2008-06-02T11:11:57Z

If you read my last post, you might be thinking how very level-headed I am. Well, I'm afraid that if you are thinking that, I have duped you. Indeed, I duped myself for about half an hour, as well. But...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ Hogtied porn; there's far too much tit-torture and suspensions for me to enjoy that. And perhaps it's time I got some new (and more kinky) photos done? And there is one thought that runs through my mind that is totally alien to me. The words 'you'd make a great domme'. Haha! I laughed. But it keeps coming back to me, and I find myself wondering if I could actually do it, if I might even like it on some level? Wouldn't that be peculiar. Perhaps I should stop thinking, eh?]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.218 2008-05-28T12:38:59Z 2008-05-28T13:08:18Z

Threesomes, foursomes and moresomes are great. Recreational sex in general is great. I don't think I need to call myself a swinger though; I just enjoy sex, and that's that. And I can't really call myself a swinger when I'm...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ mutual decision over the weekend - after he asked me to go to a club and I declined - to steer clear of the whole swinging thing for the time being. (note that I highlighted the word 'mutual' - this will be because we don't often make mutual decisions, heh. Usually, he decides one thing, I decide another. But I digress.) I was rather shocked at myself for being so bloody sensible instead of completely hedonistic, but quietly, I was also very pleased with myself for learning and respecting the number one lesson in swinging: there's a time and a place for it. And right now it's neither the time nor the place. We need to navigate this ongoing BDSM dilemma first... if we can. Don't quite know how at the minute, but as the saying goes, better to do it right than to do it right now. I'm certainly not naive enough to think it's going to happen overnight. Dominance and submission never happens overnight. It's very much a 'journey' - a word I remember the boyfriend mocking last year, but it really is the best descriptive. It's a trip into the dark side, and like any good journey there is exploration, discovery, adventure, and little pots of magic that make your spine tingle. And like any other journey, it's taken one step at a time. ]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.215 2008-05-23T09:35:10Z 2008-05-23T11:16:25Z

It's alright (excellent, in fact) making a conscious decision to embrace my kinks; I feel really liberated by it, and nothing's even happened yet. Something has clicked in my head though, possibly that of one door shutting and another one...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ everything I've been saying for the last four years is a clue you daft bastard. So I smiled. And then we talked about anticipation, and build-up, and the concept of getting in someone's head, and yeh. It was productive. Only problem now is that I'm anticipating the anticipation!!]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.199 2008-05-21T14:58:46Z 2008-05-22T09:25:19Z

When I think about my school days, I often wonder if all junior schools have this underlying sexual thing going on that my own seemed to, or if it was just something me (and a few select others) bore witness...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ When I think about my school days, I often wonder if all junior schools have this underlying sexual thing going on that my own seemed to, or if it was just something me (and a few select others) bore witness to - and participated in. We used to play Kiss-Chase, the rules of which were simple: run away. If you're 'caught', the catcher was allowed to kiss you on the cheek (before running off and giggling with his mates). I'm quite surprised that despite being one of the top sprinters at school, I was always getting caught ;) We used to play a more risqué version of that game as well: Knicker-Chase. The rules of this were also very simple: run away. If you're caught, the catcher is allowed to see your knickers. I was not caught so often in this game - but still more than I would've 'liked'. Although if I didn't like it that much, I doubt I would've been playing it in the first place. Both of these games would take place in the playground, in perfect view of everyone, students and teachers and dinner-ladies alike. And because they did, it always seemed perfectly acceptable to play them. I didn't really feel 'dirty' showing a boy my knickers - just embarrassed. There was another game that we used to play though. One that did make me feel dirty and embarrassed. One that didn't take place in the playground, but rather in the dark and dingy recess that we called the cloakroom. Concealed behind a sea of anoraks and donkey-jackets and fluffy pink coats, was a game I never did catch the name of. But it involved being surrounded by five or six boys, and being molested in a way that only boys of that age could. Hands in my knickers, and in my top... I would love to say it only happened once, but it didn't. It happened regularly, especially during year 6. The same cloakroom, the same boys, the same feeling of humiliation versus excitement that I still enjoy now... when I get the fucking chance! And my mother thought I went to a good school... ha! tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.211 2008-05-20T12:07:22Z 2008-05-20T13:28:51Z

Since I started dying my hair bright red, I've been asked the 'why?' question several times, like there must be some sort of psychological explanation for it, or something. Perhaps I just like the colour red, especially on hair. Or...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ Since I started dying my hair bright red, I've been asked the 'why?' question several times, like there must be some sort of psychological explanation for it, or something. Perhaps I just like the colour red, especially on hair. Or perhaps there is a psychological explanation for it, afterall. Yes, I like red hair, but to dye my hair red because I like that on others suggests some kind of narcissism that I ain't particularly happy with (even if it is true!). I think the real reason (she says, putting on her pop-psychology head) is that I see it as a reflection of 'me', and what's going on underneath my skin. My hair finally looks as wild as I feel. And I do feel wild. it's no coincidence that the boyfriend describes me as 'a tiger covered in petrol and running through a forest fire'... that is what I'm like, internally and externally. If only he would realise the reason I'm wild is that I'm without containment, without structure, without rules. I would feel really quite free I suppose, if I wasn't feeling so fucking out of control. And the more out of control I feel, the more angry I get, and it's a vicious bastard circle that I just cannot break on my own. Weirdly, I have felt like this since I was about thirteen, perhaps even younger. (Oh! Deep joy: something else I can blame on my mother!!) I didn't have mad red hair then, though. I had 'Boy George plaits'. Eeek. tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.210 2008-05-20T10:44:37Z 2008-05-20T11:15:55Z

Despite my issues with trust (who doesn't have issues with trust?), and despite the general consensus being that I'm a cynical old pessimist, I always hope for the best in people. I always hope that they won't let me down,...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ doesn't have issues with trust?), and despite the general consensus being that I'm a cynical old pessimist, I always hope for the best in people. I always hope that they won't let me down, and I always hope something good will come of any relationship I get myself tied up in. Whether that something good is a shag, a friendship, a love affair, whatever. I hope people are going to be every bit as good as I want them to be. And then I get crushed by disappointment. I think I'm so busy being hopeful that I either can't see the reality of the situation, or I ignore it. Because when the reality finally does hit me, it hits me really fucking hard. And I've had enough of it. So can everyone just stop being a cunt, please? Ta. ]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.209 2008-05-17T23:46:46Z 2008-05-18T14:09:52Z

After taking a long hard look at myself this week, I've made a conscious decision to be more pro-active about my kinks. There is too much thinking and talking going on around here, and not enough doing, and it can't...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ doing, and it can't carry on like this. The light isn't going out, and no matter how tightly I shut my eyes, I can still see it. So I'm going to open them, and to hell with it. I think the breaking point was The Extreme Porn Bill, which made me want to stand up and be counted, and defend the BDSM community that I am a part of, even if it has only been in spirit for the last 20 years (lol). And it was the realisation that I am a part of the community that's spurring me into action, and not my passion for extreme porn - honestly! I've celebrated this by dumping my old profile on Informed Consent which was created back in 2003 (although for what reason I don't really know, as I've never contributed anything), and creating a shiny new one. I am going to get involved, I am going to embrace everything it has to offer me, and I am going to shake this procrastinating bitch out of me if it's the last thing I bloody do. If I could also shake the angry bitch, the scared bitch, and the impossible bitch out of me too, that would be a big help, because as things stand right now, I'm a fucking terrible sub. If I could get the muse out of my head, that would be even better.]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.207 2008-05-16T11:29:54Z 2008-05-16T11:31:10Z

Right now I'm busy thinking up new and inventive ways to seduce the boyfriend over to the dark side. Whinging and crying and flipping out clearly isn't working, so it's back to the drawing-board. Of course, it might be...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ Right now I'm busy thinking up new and inventive ways to seduce the boyfriend over to the dark side. Whinging and crying and flipping out clearly isn't working, so it's back to the drawing-board. Of course, it might be completely futile - I might never get my submissive 'needs' met in this relationship outside of a little light bondage and a bit of choking, but I have to try. I've bought him a copy of The Loving Dominant. He hasn't read it yet, but I have, and I have to say i wasn't all that impressed with it. There's plenty of advice on tools of the trade, types of play, plus a few ideas for scenes, but I expected it to be more about the relationships and the dynamic (I obviously read too much into the 'Loving' part of the title!), and not so much like a manual. I already have Screw The Roses, and there doesn't seem to be anything more insightful in this book. But that's just my opinion, and what the hell would I know anyway - I'm not a dominant. I did find the section on humiliation interesting though - not least because according to the author, John Warren, it is more of a male-sub thing than a fem-sub thing - which puts me outside the norm ... again! I also like that he touched on the difference between that and 'erotic embarrassment' - which is a beautiful way of describing something I have always rather less elegantly called 'squirming'. In his example, you may be embarrassed when asked to make a speech at a dinner, but if, as you stood before the guests your pants were pulled down - that would be humiliating. It's the first time I've read anything about 'embarrassment' in any of these guru books that I own, and it was reassuring to know it isn't just me who goes red-faced and unable to speak when faced with having to do/say something that they 'would like to do anyway if society and their own inhibitions would let them'. People who know me won't believe that I get shy, but I do, painfully so. I think I must have some subconscious shame (?) about my submissive tendencies, or something. That would also go some way to explaining why I crave the humiliation factor so much too. Hmm. Anyway, so I liked that bit. And I like the fantasy questionnaire too, which I might utilise in my mission to win the boyfriend over - if I can get over my erotic embarrassment enough to raise the scary subject of 'fantasies'. Gulp.]]> tag:www.furtiveminx.com,2008:/blog//1.203 2008-05-07T13:05:09Z 2008-05-07T16:46:10Z

In 2003, schoolteacher Jane Longhurst was murdered by a Mr Graham Coutts who was 'obsessed with violent internet pornography'. He was sentenced in 2004, and Jane Longhurst's mother, Liz, vowed to campaign to have the sites she holds 'responsible' for...

mia http://www.furtiveminx.com/blog/ even if those captured on film are consenting adults. Even though the acts themselves aren't illegal. It isn't illegal for us to consensually 'threaten' and 'plead' and dominate and submit. It isn't illegal for us to consensually play with knives, needles and whips and smack each other about in the confines of our own bedroom. it isn't illegal for us to bend over and taking a caning, and neither is it illegal to indulge in tit torture - or indeed any other torture, if that's what you want to do... with consent of course ;) So while it won't be illegal to tighten your hand round your lovers throat while you're fucking them, because she fucking loves it when you do that (rarrr!), it will be illegal to own material that portrays this, unless you are actually in those photos and can prove that you were both/all consenting. The examples I could use are endless... some more extreme than others obviously, but I don't need to be shocking here. I think this law does that. This is the thought-police, coming along and locking you up because you like a bit of rough in your porn, so you *must* be a danger to society. And locked up you will be - for a maximum of three years (you get less time for fucking a dog, apparently). I wonder where it will end? Because one thing is for sure - this is just the beginning. As one of the Lords stated in the house last week: Orwell would be proud.]]>